Annie Tsai

Maybe you were expecting a light column this week heading into Christmas. Sorry to disappoint, but this is not it. 

I want to tell you about the talk I had to have with my son this past week about the United Healthcare CEO’s killing and the school shooting at Abundant Life Christian School in Wisconsin where a 15 year old walked into school on December 16th and shot and killed a teacher and a 14 year old student, and injured six others. Where FBI investigations have found the 15 year old was collaborating with a 20 year old in San Diego, CA to support him in plotting a separate mass shooting.

From conversations I’ve had with friends near and far, I am certain that many more parents had similar talks. If you haven’t, I suggest you do as your children’s  acquaintances and friends are. 

Depending on your child’s age, your conversation – if you had it – probably varied quite a bit from one parent to another. Parents to younger children likely focused on logistics and the importance of practicing to perfecting in one’s life as a philosophy over answering the deeper questions, but still lots of “why’”. Why are we having lockdown or active shooter drills? Why do I need to squat on top of a toilet in the bathroom stall and be quiet? Why does the door need to stay closed when it’s so hot? Why should I not leave my hiding spot when my principal goes on the PA and says “all clear”? These are questions I never contemplated as a child. Not once.

If your children are in their teens however, you may have found yourself having to engage with questions like: Why does this keep happening? What has the government done to protect us? Why is healthcare so expensive here? Why did United Healthcare have a 32% claim denial rate? Why are we even talking about bulletproof proof backpacks as a solution? Why do people feel like they need guns? 

The answers to each of these questions are layered and complex, and of course further complicated by our own personal feelings on the topics. I’m not going to sit here and lecture you on what I believe regarding the state of mental health or the state of gun violence in the United States. 

I sat down with my 6th grader and offered to talk. He had a lot of questions about logistics and factual details of the event. He understood the tactics of active shooter drills and found them to be more annoying than anything else because they interrupt the flow of school and the work of learning (and playing). Where he got stuck was around the question of “Why?” Why would someone walk into a school and just start shooting? Why would a stranger target and kill another stranger on the street?

My answer in the moment hasn’t changed much days later, and it was this: very few people wake up and make the decision to be violent. It’s almost always a feeling, a frustration, or maybe a sadness that’s been sitting with them for quite a while and then yes, some people do wake up and say “today is the day.” But, all of us in the community often have months or years before that day to help that person make a different choice so perhaps these days never happen in the first place. 

I told my son that his job everyday was to be a good friend, and to be a good listener. That sometimes people feel so ignored or in the shadows for so long that in their heads they only see one way out. If he sees someone acting differently over time from how they usually behave, maybe invite them to join him for lunch or play a game of Gaga ball (which is very popular at school these days!). To get a good laugh in about a shared experience or a story from earlier in the week, and that would probably be really good for him too. 

I know we are all increasingly excruciatingly busy, layered by some strange unspoken expectation to slap on a smile and not get too detailed when someone asks “how are you?”, so sometimes we are also the one who needs that person I asked my son to be. He needs that too from his friends and community.

We could all use fewer transactional smiles in passing and more deep belly, tear inducing laughter fits. No, it won’t stop all the gun violence in this country overnight, but these and other important moments of human connection – being seen – will take us a lot further than you might think. I wish you all health and lots of deep belly laughter this and every holiday.