Annie Tsai

This column is for people of all generations. There’s a call to action for all of us. Because we all play a role in each other’s mental health. 

I think as adults we forget that our own cups are not bottomless. It’s a hard pill for me to swallow. For years on end I thought I could just not sleep and do all of the things I needed to do and everything would be fine in the end. As I turn 45 next month, I look at my calendar and sometimes I wonder – what is it all for? Who is it all for? 

Adulting has changed a lot over the past 50 years. The normalization of what is now the very necessary multi-income family structure to survive has created an untenable situation where adults with children effectively have two or more full time jobs – one as a loving and nurturing parent, one as a focused and growth oriented paycheck garnering working professional, and for many these days one as a devoted caretaker and support to loved ones who are aging. We find ourselves constantly between a rock and a hard place having to prioritize and reprioritize things that all seem equally as important with the few waking hours we have every day. 

Sound familiar? 

Coming out of the COVID pandemic, it became glaringly obvious that the adults in the room really REALLY needed to put energy into listening to our youth. To understand what they are experiencing because it is so jarringly different from what we experienced growing up. To include youth in planning because planning for someone we don’t understand isn’t a plan at all – it’s a mandate. So a lot of our energy has gone into this, rightfully so. 

But here’s my challenge to you, adults in the room. Look in the mirror. Because all those people you are passing in Trader Joe’s while you grab your bag of pre-made salad because you’re too tired to pull together ingredients for some ancient grain bowl the DINKy Instagram influencer (“dual income no kids” in case you haven’t caught up with the lingo) spent two hours curating – we’re all pretty much feeling the same way. 

What were we called – latchkey kids? Whatever you call it – we spent more hours at home alone than with an adult telling us what was wrong and what was right. It’s a time I’m sort of nostalgic about – roaming around San Mateo and San Francisco County, getting lost and finding our way home while the Zodiac Killer was driving around snatching up 20 somethings and hanging out at Rob Baker’s corner store buying 5-cent candy (this is now a Starbucks – of course it is). If we had a question, we just had to figure it out. You know, “the good old days”. 

How do you get a generation raised not to ask for help to ask for help? 

Do you write a column and put it out there into the ether, calling the collective murkiness out? Do you simply say – the only way to not pass on your trauma is to face it head on? Adamantly, I put my foot down and say that these tactics will not work.

The hard thing about hard things is that everyone needs something different. Scroll up a little and do perhaps recall when you read that putting energy into listening was the key to unlocking paths to helping our youth. Well, with our Millennials, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers, the same holds true with you. Pull up a chair and take some time to listen to each other. Ask questions. I’ve dropped some questions as thought starters for you below. Give it a shot. Surprise your mom, dad, neighbor, or friend. Sit down, open your eyes, and close your mouth. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how far that goes. 

Questions to ask: 

• What’s something that was normal when you were younger that today people would think is really weird or inappropriate? 
• How old were you when you learned to cook your own food? 
• Who taught you how to do xyz?
• How did you learn how to do xyz? 
• When you were my age, what was your favorite thing to do to pass the time? 
• What was your reaction when you first got online and searched the web? What did you search for? Why? 
• What’s something you saw online recently that you wanted to try? Can I do it with you?

Maybe asking for help isn’t the big goal. Perhaps the first big and important step is creating a bridge for a bit of mutual empathy and connection – and that can go a long, long way.